sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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