My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
