No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize