new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize