the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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