did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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