you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
All the doctor said was why
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
