1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
