This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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