I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
