that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
