a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
