My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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