I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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