My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
