Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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