I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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