dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
