Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
