I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
