Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
