I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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