I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
