Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize