Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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