This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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