I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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