my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
