my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
