He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize