my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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