We're facebook friends in real life
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
