I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
