I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
