The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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