Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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