So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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