Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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