I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
