All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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