my phone needs a breathalizer
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
