I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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