i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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