And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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