i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
