you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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