I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize