Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
