just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's never too late to be topless.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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