Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
