Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
