Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
