3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
