Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
