My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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