I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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