Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You're like the curious george of whores
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
