lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
