When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
