she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
